As a youngster reaching that “special age of discovery” in the early-80s, I had the otherwise unfortunate luck of being that age during a less than advantageous time. Putting it nicely, my so-called “rite of passage” moment of turning 13 and, hence, entering teenhood, was marred by the fact that my access to pornography was almost nil because it was pretty much only in porn theaters and it would be a couple of years before the adult video rental thing would gain a foothold (and I could figure out a way to take advantage of that as a minor). And, of course, not having the version of the Internet that we all know and love now should also be considered. So, I had to resort to what was immediately available. Since this was when the VCR came to prominence, my “release” (as it were) was made possible by beyond-cheesy, B-movie pseudo-porn in the guise of what could easily be labeled “sexploitation” — though, in this case, 80s style. And you know exactly what I’m talking about. But, if you don’t, or you need the entertainment value, then pop in Side Two of Led Zeppelin 4 and…

Before we dive headfirst into the quagmire that is softcore dry humping on film, we should probably jump forward to the summer in which I would turn 14 (and it’s truly obscene how many of the movies linked here are mostly from 1982… I smell a conspiracy). By that time, my head was filled with fictional (but, at that point, unquestioningly believed) tales of conquest and sexual abandon culled from VHS (and Betamax!) rentals whose boxes were emblazoned with tacky “chicks” in bikinis or similarly suggestive artwork (no doubt, surrounded by swirls of pastels and neon). At such a screwy and hormone-charged stage of development, I was convinced that high school was going to be EXACTLY like Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Porky’s, and Private Lessons… all wrapped up into one. That is, I really, really, really wanted to believe it. And somewhat did. Boy, was I ever in for a rude awakening.

Sadly, my sexy freshman English teacher wasn’t really giving it up to all of the guys in her class, though I exhaustively flirted with her, just to be sure. There was no roadhouse/whorehouse on the edge of town for mindlessly horny teens. Nor were there any “glory holes” in the girls locker room — though, a friend of mine did hide himself in a locker, snapped shots of the cheerleading squad showering naked, got caught developing the shots in the school darkroom, and then he and his family had to bail town as a dozen lawsuits from angry parents came down upon him. And, no, I’m not kidding. I remember seeing the proof sheets and, hoo, boy, did my barely-teen boy-brain reel!

The topper: I was living in a small, mostly-Mormon town in rural Utah at the time. I couldn’t have gotten laid if I had John Holmes’ schwantz and Hugh Hefner’s moolah combined. I’d put it more delicately, but this isn’t really a family blog, now is it?

In short, the markedly uninspiring reality of high school did not flush with the orgiastic splendor that these less-than-high quality motion pictures were promising. I was just going to have to face the fact that I would not get a tutor who taught a little more than high school curricula, or knock the Underalls off of girls via telekinetic powers, or have a belly dancer making love to a mule at my future bachelor party. Yes, reality was totally not tubular. To the max.

Still, I can’t hear “Moving In Stereo” from The Cars without the glistening perfection of Phoebe Cates getting out of a pool and into my brain. I still wonder why Webster’s dad was the asshole sheriff in Porky’s, and did that affect his career negatively. Did Zapped turned Willie Aames into a born-again Christian and, later, Bibleman? And why doesn’t Crispin Glover have an Oscar? Screw Britney’s skinjob… THESE are the burning questions of our times.

Now, get yer ass to school: Bachelor Party, The Beach Girls, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Hardbodies, The Last American Virgin, Loose Screws, My Tutor, The Party Animal, Porky’s, Private Lessons, Private School, Screwballs, Spring Break, The Wild Life, Zapped.

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