Though hardly a secret, Vermont Craigslist’s “missed connections” section is packed to capacity with some truly stalker types. I mean, the stuff by which ’70s CBS Late Movies and Giallo films are made of. But, with the new era comes the new breed of creep — and the lingo hasn’t exactly improved with time, either. As a portrait of misspent youth and mischanneled sexual tensions, we present this linguistically challenged chap and his insistent devotion to an apparent sex goddess named Alisha…

m4w – 30 (7 Dec): where r u letz get together ill give u more detailz later but u use to live in essex with ur sister and some friendz will give more detailz as u answer back but u will b surprised!!!!!!!!!!

Alisha (10 Dec): My name is Alisha but Im not sure i’m the one your looking for, Can u give me any details on who you are?

m4w – 30 (14 Dec): Hey so its def. me that u are looking for cause I did live in essex with my sis and friends. I would like to meet but im not sure who you are and I am not willing to meet you unless i know who you are. So if you want to drop a few hints on who you are that’d be cool! Are you 30? Did we work together? Are u a friend of my sis or one of my friends?

m4w – 30 (16 Dec): i was gettn partz at the part store when u drove by me we waved and that was it i wanted to stop u and tell u everything but didnt know how it was in the petco and advanced auto on the south btown and btown line when we seen each other im a friend of a friend!!!!!! i want to give u more but dont wanna give to much out and start a bunch of drama with everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want it to stay between us till we can figure it out!!!!!!!!!! im not a stalker or some physco path either!!!!!!!!!when u do figure it out u will b surpised im sure u would have never guessed!!!!!!!!!!

To The Guy Looking For Alisha (17 Dec): Please…. learn how to spell… its PARTS not PARTZ! WHY use a Z when its spelled with an S? You should just email her! You are 30 Yrs old…??!! You should show your age and not act like you are in high school. Alisha.. I don’t know… Maybe you should move on and forget about this one.

m4w – 30 (24 Dec): we use to c eachother all the time now we dont at all and when we meet the sparkz where fling and we couldnt do anything about it and now i want c where it may go ur the one that gives me butterflyz in my stomach everytime im close to u

Alisha (24 Dec): Unless you can tell me who you are, I don’t really like playing these games… Im really not sure who you are and I don’t really want to figure it out at this point. If this is legit you should be able to tell me your name and where I know you from, and we can start from there.

m4w – 30 (24 Dec): how do i know u wont run and tell everyone and ruin what i have now im not willn to risk what i got for something that mite not b how do i know u can keep secertz how do i know if u even felt it i know one of ur friends would love to get ahold of this and tell everyone . i

You’ve got to love the guy in the middle who woefully asserts some common sense advice into the mix. To paraphrase an old friend, these kids simply won’t read it or heed it. Because they really are about 3 or 4 bottles of Olde English away from some regretful and irresponsible sex on someone’s mother’s couch at about 3 a.m. while 50 Cent drones off in the background. It may appear like just a completely stupid game of round robin resulting in many months of post-coital white trash drama, but this could also end up the beginning of something unintentionally hilarious (read: the best kind) and ridiculously stretched out for all to virtually witness.

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