Craigslist: A Tsunami Of Honesty

No, I did NOT say “tidal wave,” I said TSUNAMI. Just be glad I didn’t drop a typhoon on you Hutch-style. Oh, what am I saying, just read what is probably the best Burlington Craigslist post I’ve read in a while…

Looking for a long-term relationship – 29 (Burlington)
Date: 2011-01-02, 11:43AM EST

Single Women of America;

Are you single, going to be single, or just married and unhappy? Boy have I got an opportunity for you, dating me! Yes, you’re reading this right. There’s nothing wrong with your eyes. I am now available for a long-term relationship. Allow me to tell you a little bit about what I am looking for…

This re-conditioned profile the brainchild of myself, and disgust at the monotonous drone of dating websites out there. I’m tired of the over-abundance of men on them, with eligible women’s mailboxes inundated with small, petty e-mails from desperate men (like myself). So here I am. In this profile, you will learn about me, what I am looking for, what I look like, what I sound like, and you can simply e-mail me for all contact information to get ahold of me. This page is current, and I am still single and looking. So take a look and see if you are interested. Then, there are no surprises later. Sound good? Good, then read on. Doesn’t sound good? Then go away. No one wants to read your bitter, thoughtless hatemails which mask your disgust with your own life. Go write crappy poetry in a back alley somewhere.

What I’m looking for:

A woman
Age Range: 18-45
Can be from anywhere on the planet.
Can be of any race.
Weight is not important, as long as you are not housebound.
Don’t mind if you live with your parents.
Don’t mind if you are a college student.
Must have a desire to learn about the world around you.
Must not ever say “um ok” in response to a strange question or statement. That is simply annoying.
Must not wear sneakers with a dress
Must not wear socks with sandals
Must not wear socks without shoes
Must not wear a bright shirt tucked into jeans, which are hiked up over a large gut
Must not wear bright white sneakers (yes, I have a minor foot fascination, not the creepy kind, though)
Must not wear velcro sneakers….EVER!
Must not, as a matter of fact, wear sneakers except in an exercise situation or a physical activity situation.
Must not have a boyish, short haircut. Why do people do that?!
Must have decent teeth. I understand if your teeth are a bit crooked, but at least brush them and floss regularly.
Must have good breath…no exceptions here. If your breath reeks, thats a total dealbreaker. Unless you are wicked hot, then we’ll talk.
Must not smoke…social smoking is acceptable.
Social drinking is acceptable.
Would prefer someone that wants kids in the near future, but I am flexible on that issue.

About me:

I am 29 years old.
I live in Vermont, but am not originally from here.
I have a job and an apartment.

I love writing and reading.
I enjoy all types of music except country and polka. I love eighties music. My favorite song is currently “Everybody Have Fun Tonight,” by Wang Chung. I also like FIona Apple and The Beatles.
My favorite movie is “Fight Club.”

Things I hate:

People who are really busy, and decide that they want everyone else to be aware of how busy they are. Especially on dating sites. Its like, what the heck? Why are you even on here if you have no time to do anything? You talk to them for awhile, and when you try to set up a time to meet, they say “Its tough, I’m really busy.” Ugh.

People who are creeped out by everything. These people are the worst. Like when you ask them out on a date, and they’re like “I don’t meet strangers.” Then why are you on a dating site?! I forgot, strangers and creeps don’t go into bars, since that is what you think a safe place to meet someone looks like. Have fun with that one.

People with no ambition. I could care less what you do for a living. You could be flipping burgers at Arby’s for all I care. Just have some sort of interest in the world around you and a basic passion for life and learning.

People who want to be “friends first.” Give me a break. Does that ever really work?

People who don’t believe in evolution. IT HAPPENED!

People who park their carts diagonally in the middle of the aisle at a grocery store. MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!

People who stink up public restrooms. GO POO POO AT HOME!

People who don’t drain water out of the soap dish in the shower. It makes the soap all soggy and slimey. Ew.

People who don’t say thank you.

People who blame everything on their childhood. It’s not because your mommy didn’t hug you enough. It’s not society’s fault. So drop it!

Ok. Now that this is out of the way, on to the pics. I would be happy to e-mail you a bunch of pics. But, once I e-mail them, please, please, PLEASE don’t ask me for more! That is SO annoying. “anymore pics?” There are a bunch of them! I look like the pics do, so just look at them! They are all very recent (within about a month). I haven’t changed much. Trust me. I love the people who ask for five million pics, and they themselves have one fuzzy picture from about ten years ago, where they’re wearing some “FRANKIE SAYS RELAX” t-shirt with a pizza sauce stain on it or something. And don’t say “well, that one was blurry and that one had a glare…” I looked at the pics. They are not perfect, but they aren’t blurry. So, if you are going to say they are blurry, go get your eyes checked. Yes, I am aware that I sound like a jerk, but I am just getting so incredibly tired of this whole dating scene. I really would like to find someone to settle down with, though.


Matt G. Paradise is Executive Director of Purging Talon, a media company responsible for releasing groundbreaking and often imitated audio, video, print, and Web work since 1993, including the internationally respected Satanic magazine, Not Like Most. Paradise is also a Magister in the Church of Satan and, since the early-1990s, has also done media representative work for the CoS through all major media forms — network television, radio, print publications, and the Internet. He is the author of Bearing The Devil’s Mark, a collection of writings on Satanism; as well as editor of The Book of Satanic Quotations (First and Second Editions). He was also producer and co-host of Terror Transmission, a horror movie commentary podcast; and is currently the producer and host of three podcasts (The Accusation Party, Vintage Vinyl Vivisection and Strange Moments in Cultural History) on The Accusation Network.

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